A mountain of boxes
I don’t like bills! I don’t like dealing with them, and when I see them in the mail I feel anxious. So usually I don’t deal with them right away. Usually I take them and set them to the side on my desk, or now on a shelf that we have by our fridge. Then what happens is I ignore them until the very last minute. Or, as happens more often than I care to admit, I am late in paying them.
I like to think that the way men deal with difficult experiences and emotions is a lot like how I deal with bills. When we have a difficult experience or emotion we take them and place them in a box and then set that box on a shelf. Now, I don’t think there is anything wrong with this, per say, as a person can always get back to that box, open it up, and deal with what’s inside. The problem is that most guys don’t do that part. What happens instead is that they just keep adding boxes and pushing them to the side. Then these boxes end up in a monstrous pile on the floor. Boxes and boxes full of hard emotions.
Imagine what it would be like for me if I just kept adding bills to the pile but never dealt with them. How overwhelming would that be for me to even think about dealing with it? Eventually I would start to experience some pretty negative consequences, too. We might lose power, we might have additional charges; it would be disastrous!
Eventually, for most men, this pile of emotionally laden boxes becomes too big to just ignore. It becomes overwhelming and something must be done. Unfortunately, because men aren’t allowed to look weak or emotional, actually dealing with and feeling the emotions that are in the boxes isn’t really an attractive option. So what many men choose to do instead is to cope, to shore up the mountain of boxes so that they can continue to add to it without it invading their lives.
Stemming the tide
The two primary (unhealthy) ways that men deal with this overwhelming mountain is through anger and addiction. I talked some in my last post about anger and how men learn to convert their feelings into anger. This is a way of coping with emotions, of venting some of the pressure. Although men that do this aren’t actually dealing with the actual feelings they are experiencing, they are getting some release. Often, though, this is not enough to stem the tide of emotions, so men turn to aggression and violence. Anger, aggression, and violence have a way of numbing the person to anything but rage. This way the individual doesn’t have to deal with a bunch of overwhelming emotions, just rage. And rage is often quickly satiated by violence and aggression. This is the most troubling way that men tend to deal with their mountain of boxes, and unfortunately these men typically only end up in counseling when they are forced by law or by their spouse or family.
The other way that men shore up the tidal wave of emotions is through addictions. The most common of these is alcohol and pornography. Addictions, especially these two, are incredibly good at numbing the user. Once a man finds alcohol, drugs, or pornography it is no wonder he can so quickly become addicted. The dopamine bath that these substances provide the brain is powerful and effective. Now, at least for a short time, rather than struggling to stem the tide of my overwhelming emotions and fears, I can revel in mindless bliss.
Hope
There is hope. If you or someone you know struggles with these ways of coping. If they are neck deep in the mud of anger or addiction, there is solid ground. First, though, they have to be willing to reach out. They must be willing to accept help. Then the hard work starts. They need to start sifting through the boxes. They also must learn how to deal with emotions that come up on a daily basis. It is okay to put emotions in a box and set them aside for a time, but you must come back to them and deal with them before they end up in a pile on the floor. This will require bucking some of the traditional views of men and masculinity, it will require willingness to be vulnerable and to feel, and it will require a great deal of effort.
If this is you, please reach out. Talk to friends or your spouse if they are safe people. Find a counselor who can help. I am available in the Portland, OR or Vancouver, WA area, or you can find counselors in your area here.